Decoding the Mommy Wars: Understanding Perspectives on Working and Stay-at-Home Parenting

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by Pearl Mashour

Working Moms

We know that moms who work make great role models by instilling self-confidence and the ability to set goals, especially if raising daughters. They break the traditional myths that place women as homemakers.

There are certain skills that children end up picking from their working mothers. These kids are known to have greater independence at an earlier age, as well as confidence and social skills since they interact with different adults by either going to daycare or having a nanny. These children are also better multitaskers since they have to take on more responsibilities with having a mom who is working, by helping with meals or babysitting siblings.

In 2018, a study found that daughters of employed mothers choose a career path more than stay-at-home moms. We all have that image of that professional mom who looks great with the perks of work lunches, coffee breaks, making phone calls in peace & adult interaction. But what happens at 5 pm when she starts driving home in horrible traffic, completely exhausted? She is wondering what to make for dinner. Or she had a horrible day at work, but now she has to shift gears and give 100% to her children, whom she hasn’t seen all day? What happens if she can’t afford full-time help and arrives at home with dirty dishes in the sink, piles of laundry, and screaming kids? 

This is the image of working moms that we seem to forget. In fact, working moms have a battle of making their careers take priority since all other household tasks still fall on them. This makes it even more of a challenge with dual-earner couples being on the rise. According to Pew Research, 63% of couples with children in the United States both work. Both partners are highly educated and work full-time in demanding professional jobs where work is their top priority.

Professor Jennifer Petriglieri’s research finds that dual-career couples need to be a “couple that works,” or else the marriage won’t work. Working moms are not ok. They are at a breaking point. As much as they strive for their husbands to do 50% of the work to help, in reality, usually this is not the case. A survey of Harvard Business School alumni found that most women expect to be in egalitarian marriages, but the majority of men expect their own careers to take priority. If wives negotiate to initiate that their career is also a priority, this can result in a backlash where they instead receive less emotional support from their spouse. According to Harvard Business Law Review studies of 2022, it documents that when a wife outearns her husband, her husband does not necessarily respect her career, and she is more likely to become the victim of his physical aggression. 

Then, in addition, there is the judgment. How can you not stay at home with your precious kids? I have to admit that I, too, was one of the people who might, at times, judge moms who choose to work. It may be partially part of resentment. I wanted to work, too, and I missed my job. I felt like I was losing myself, needed adult interaction, wanted to get out of the house, missed my profession, and admired those who could leave their kids. I hated feeling torn because if I had gone back to work, then I would be jealous and envious when I couldn’t be with my children. Plus, I knew I was the type of person who likes to manage my own household, and I couldn’t handle someone else cooking & caring for my children. So I guess I wanted both lives, and I couldn’t, so I would judge.

Over time, I have come to understand that the stereotypes surrounding children of stay-at-home parents, such as the notion that they are better behaved or more educated, are unfounded. The outcome is determined by various factors, including the environment, the amount of time parents invest in their children, and the children themselves. Every child is different. You can be a lousy stay-at-home mom or the most amazing mom with a full-time career. 

Unfortunately, The “Mommy Police” is still there and usually won’t judge you if you HAVE to work & you hate it, but you will get judged if you love your work and choose to work and you don’t need to. Do the fathers ever get judged for going to work?

Now, from the perspective of Stay-at-home Moms

We can’t underestimate the challenges that a stay-at-home faces on a daily basis either. According to a new survey commissioned by Aveeno Baby, over 1500 parents admitted that they believe staying at home is harder than going to the office. 22% admitted they were never able to finish a cup of coffee. 33% said they ate one-handed, and 38% said going to the bathroom in peace was a thing of the past.

I came across a blog by a mom who was attacked by her choice to stay at home because she had a degree from Harvard. Someone had commented the following on her blog: “ You are contributing to a culture which values a woman’s ability to sort laundry rather than have an enriching career with the education that you pursued. It’s interesting because even if this woman were working full-time, she would still probably come home to the laundry since the laundry wouldn’t do itself.

According to an article called “The Feminist Housewife” by Lisa Miller, “American women are better educated than they have ever been, and some are even more educated now than men, but they disagree with women who still ultimately make a choice to stay at home, and they often view them as wasting the efforts of hard work by previous generations for female rights. Some females believe that they prefer to achieve what they can at home, where children need them more. We want our children to be able to do anything they want and achieve their dreams but be able to walk away from that career at the drop of a hat if they choose – that’s the freedom we are teaching our children. Those are the rights of a woman. 

Even today, I push my daughters, 18 & 16- to pursue an incredible education and get the career they want. Yes, they both want to be mothers sometime in the future, but as long as they have choices, then they are better people and better mothers.

Only a woman or man who stays home with their children knows stay-at-home parents are much more than housekeepers. Many women who go to work admit that it’s a relief to hand off a screaming child to someone else to deal with as they rush out of the house. 

Perhaps we women are finally reaching a point where we can have it all but respect that the term “ all “ means different things to each of us. We can understand that until we’ve walked a mile in another woman’s shoes, it’s not our place to pass judgment. We can be grateful for the pioneers who came before us, allowing women the right to choose their own path.

As a stay-at-home mom, the questions that we dread at every event are: “What do you do all day? What do you do for a living? Or the commentary afterward: “ It must be nice not to have to go to work! The shaming of stay-at-home moms needs to be stopped. Being at home can be difficult physically and mentally. When the children are especially young, these moms are on call 24/7 without a break and ensure that the entire household stays in order. Society tends to judge because it believes that they are just lazy mothers who do nothing all day.

According to C.S Lewis, “ the homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only, which is to support the ultimate career.” Let that quote sink in for a moment. Stay-at-home people are molding the hearts and minds of these little individuals who will be the future generation. Be proud of the time and effort you put into raising your children. It will not make you a lesser woman or a feminist adversary because you decided to make being at home a priority. Just like the working woman juggling her work and life balance, she will not be an inferior mom.

Personally for me, as much as I missed my past career, I have no regrets about raising my three children. I put 100% into this motherhood journey and had a blast. I feel like my children cherish all our mommy and me dates, Disneyland, and park events. They tell me that some of their best memories are spending time with me as they were growing up. Children grow up fast, and before we know it, this stage will disappear right before our eyes. At the same time, I will not lie and say it has been easy. There were many exhausting nights where I honestly felt invisible, unappreciated, and overworked. If you are waiting for your children to come and thank you for staying at home with them – it won’t happen, at least not until they have their own children. If anything, as they become teenagers, they will make wise remarks like” What did you do all day, Mom?” How come you didn’t pick up the dress I needed, or can you drop Chick-fil-A for lunch at school since you have nothing to do?” It is at that point, as much as it might hurt, that you have to learn to make decisions for yourself. 

If you decided to stay home, you did it for yourself because you wanted that time with your children, and now, as your children grow older, you can move on to another journey for yourself. The time will come when they are gone, and you need to make time for yourself. On the opposite side, if you choose to work and succeed in your career, all the power to you since that is a crazy act of juggling work. You loved your work and wanted even to make a greater life for your family, and that is admirable, and your children will look up to you for that.

In the end, we need to learn to be confident in whatever decision we make as moms and feel no resentment or guilt. On the one side, some believe that they can achieve more now by being at home where their children need them the most. It’s the freedom to choose. This is the moment that we need to support one another and stop shaming the stay-at-home mom or the working mom. We need to stop the judgment. As mothers, we need to be confident in whatever decision that we make. 

Unfortunately, people will find something wrong with whatever you do if they are “that kind of people.” As an empowered woman, you need to handle this criticism with confidence and know that staying at home or working is what is best for your family, and so be it. Different parents will make different decisions. Trust your intuition.

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Pearl Mashour is an educator, Certified Life Coach, mother of three, and podcast host. Pearl received her undergraduate degree from the University of California, Irvine & her teaching credential from California State University of Northridge.

Her podcast Female Fluence is a place where women empower women to embark on a journey of true identity and inspiration to live an authentic life.

She lives in Newport Coast, California with her husband, three kids & her cavapoo.

You can connect with Pearl here:

www.femalefluence.com
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/femalefluence-abaa23210
Instagram @femalefluence
Email: info@femalefluence.org
Podcast: you can subscribe to Female Fluence

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