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How I Shifted Higher

By on May 28, 2020
calfa

By Celine Calfa

My hands shook as I hit the ‘send’ button on my computer.  It was time to end a 4-1/2 year relationship and I was doing it by email.  And I didn’t care.

That was seven years ago.

From the very beginning there was this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach not to engage with this man.  Did I listen?

Heavens no!  I was lonely and desperately wanted to be loved!  My logical brain told me to forge ahead and have this relationship.  My heart?  I shoved that deep inside where it couldn’t be heard.

Less than a year into our relationship, I was rear ended in a car accident.  The pain was excruciating.  I couldn’t function.  I couldn’t think straight.  Decisions were nearly impossible to make.  He came to my rescue and moved in to take care of me while I waited for surgery.  I placed every aspect of my life in the palm of his hands for 3 years.

I felt amazing the minute I came out of surgery and was beyond excited to get back home.  Within a week of surgery, I was sitting in the kitchen when he begins to pour me a second cup of coffee.  “No thanks” I said.  He asks “Why not?  I just made a fresh pot.  It’s super delicious.”  As he is saying this, he continues to pour.  I repeated no as I pushed away the now filled cup.  He instantly became annoyed and frustrated and could not understand why I wouldn’t have more coffee.  I never objected or said no before in the past 3 years.  Why now?

For many people, they may not have given this a second thought.  But I did.  What part of saying “no” did he not understand?   It took me several days before I realized my head was clear and focused for the first time since the accident.  The pain was no longer my distraction.

Over the next year I began to observe what was happening around me and finding myself stunned at how much power I had handed over.  This man needed and loved being in control and was a master at manipulation.

I tried breaking it off numerous times but each time I kept second guessing myself.  He would gaslight me by claiming “you are just going through the change, you’re too sensitive, you’re imagining things”.

I was worn down.  My self-confidence was at an all-time low.  I wasn’t brave enough or had the courage to confront him while he was still living with me.  And then it happened.  He moved to another province to see if he could get a potential new business off the ground.

The relief I felt when he pulled out of the driveway was captured over a bottle of wine and a stack of chocolate bars.  I asked myself “Where did ME go?”

Three months later, on my birthday, I sat in front of the computer, hands shaking uncontrollably, when I hit the “send” button.  The relationship was over however he wasn’t ready to walk away without attempting to financially ruin me and my reputation.  I survived, barely, but my self-worth did not.

I couldn’t move emotionally.  I was destroyed from the inside out.  I blamed him.  I blamed myself for not knowing better, for not standing up when I should have, and for not trusting my gut from the very beginning.  I did a phenomenal job of tearing myself apart piece by piece.

I sat in anger and hate for three solid years.

It was my daughter who intervened.  “Why are you spending so much energy thinking about what this man did to you?

He’s already moved on and remarried.”   And there it was.  A reality check from a daughter to her mom, woman to woman.  She gave me a very loving but intentional nudge. The air I breathed in that very moment smelled fresh for the first time in years.

My self-worth and confidence didn’t miraculously improve overnight.  It took courage and having daily and even hourly conversations with myself.  I would often look back at the number of times I hid from the world, feeling broken, overcome with tears, feeling an unimaginable hatred, not wanting to face my friends, and falling into despair.

Instinctively I knew I had to dust myself off to start again.  I needed to find ME again.

My confidence flourished as did my self-awareness.  I was rediscovering who the Real Celine was.  What felt right for me? Did something feel out of alignment?  Was I speaking up when I should?  Was I saying yes when I should be saying no?  Why was I comparing myself to others?  What’s draining my energy?  What lights me up?  As I answered these questions, the Real Version of Celine began to emerge.

Before long a new unsettling feeling was gnawing at me.  My job had drab, boring and mundane written all over it.  Bouncing out of bed wasn’t happening for me anymore.  Was it time to call it quits and venture where I have been reluctant to go?  Should I start a company again?  Did I just say that out loud?  Why would I want to do that at my age?

I’m 61!  Aren’t I supposed to be enjoying retirement?  How silly of me to think that.

But I did think about it.  I laid in bed one morning imagining myself on my death bed wondering what it would be like not having done what I really wanted to do.  I wept.  This was something I could NOT do.

Now at the age of 63, my new company Celine Rose Training is well on its way.  As a trained facilitator on emotional intelligence and transformative leadership, and being a newly certified Empowerment Coach, it made perfect sense to marry these together.  It felt right.

When I wake every day with a smile on my face knowing that I’m shifting people’s lives in the most profound way possible, I know in my heart (and gut) this is what I’m supposed to be doing. It speaks to all the healing detours I’ve taken to get here.  It truly is a genuine reflection of who I am inside and out.

 

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calfaCeline R Calfa, Owner, Celine Rose Training, is a certified Empowerment Coach and trained facilitator on emotional intelligence.  With 20+ years experience, she is committed to helping individuals achieve balance in their professional life, relationships, and personal health, and to approach life from a place of inner strength and confidence to shift themselves higher.

Website:   www.celinerosetraining.com
Email:    info@celinerosetraining.com
FaceBook:    Celine Rose Training
Instagram:  Celine Rose Training

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