When Your Daughter Energy is Sabotaging Your Love Life

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By Crystal Andrus Morissette

I recently wrote an article called “Love, Sweet Love.” In it, I shared how the 70s & 80s was the battle of the sexes — a war was waged, and we all woke up to the aftermath of destruction.

And how still, over 40 years later, many women have a hard time showing up as an Adult to their partner rather than as a Parent.

I explained how women who navigate their relationships — particularly their love lives — from the Parent Archetype or what I call “Mother Energy” can inadvertently emasculate their partners because they are always behaving like the primary giver and rarely the receiver. In that article, I focused on what to do if your Mother Energy is overtaking you and sabotaging your love life.

But what if the opposite is happening to you? Maybe you feel like a teenager still? Or worse, a Child trying to be in a grown-up relationship? A child incapable of making love, buying healthy groceries, keeping a clean home, cooking proper meals, running her own business, speaking her truth? A child incapable of managing her emotions, let alone her finances! A child who creates drama, who pushes and “tests” everyone who loves her to a point they feel exhausted and unable to prove themselves.

The challenge is so real for some women!

If you struggle being too much in your Child Archetype or what I call “Daughter Energy,” it’s important that you see how much unnecessary drama and dysfunction you’re creating for yourself, your life, and your love.

Yes, you always want to keep your youthful energy and maintain the part of you that is fun and playful, but unless you start acting like an empowered adult – a Woman, if you do meet someone who is perfect for you, eventually, one of four things will occur:

1. He will move on (this relationship is too toxic).
2. He will start acting like a child (if you can’t beat them, join them). This relationship will initially be fireworks but will soon become unhealthy, even toxic.
3. He will turn into your parent (overly protective and exhausted). You’ll soon feel controlled and oppressed, like a child.
4. You will grow up and start acting like an adult, and the relationship will blossom!

Unless you take action to stop the drama, dysfunction, temper tantrums, mood swings, addictions, commitment issues, and/or cheating, your relationship won’t work. You are too intense. Too extreme.

If you have been navigating your relationship (or hoping to get into a relationship) as the Child, I’m here to tell you that no matter who you end up with, unless you start thinking “we” instead of “me,” no relationship will ever fulfil you for the long term. You’ll never find your bliss. Manipulation or passive-aggressive ploys will never empower you or bring you a soul mate love affair. Set fair and healthy boundaries; keep your sense of Self; don’t let your partner be the only thing in your world, but don’t become a diva, either!

Remember, loving your partner is giving him what he needs, as much as expecting him to meet your needs. Our relationships thrive when we walk that fine line—a balancing act of selflessness and selfishness!

Here are some tips that you can begin to practice right away if you’re in the Child Archetype:

• No more ultimatums.
• No more baby talk.
• No more competing or comparing.
• No more self-punishment.
• No more plastic surgery.
• No more whining.
• No more weighing yourself.
• No more adding drama to your stories.
• No more lashing out and misdirecting your frustrations.
• No more complaining.
• No more gossiping or snooping.
• No more sending angry text messages (especially after ten p.m.!).
• No more talking negatively about yourself—your body, personality, intelligence, or future.
• No more dwelling in the past.
• No more cutting up men (or other women, for that matter).
• No more spending money you don’t have.
• No more using your sexuality to get your way.
• Look within; the answers are there.

Final Tip, Gals

Here’s the truth only a few of us have learned:

No one is coming to save us. Nobody can change our lives, and nobody can help us with a problem that we haven’t already accepted the responsibility for.

The good news: we women are finally saving ourselves! And this is important for global consciousness! We are learning how to expand the Emotional Edges of our ever-expanding universe—our horizon line of possibilities!

The empowerment of women is crucial for the expansion of consciousness. It is crucial in order to achieve world peace that the bond between men and women blossom—and expand together!

When it comes to relationships, women must remember that no one can take our emotional power from us; only we can give it away. In fact, the power we naturally possess over men is so great, we must learn to yield it properly and responsibly.

One of the best things that women can do is to let the atmosphere in our relationships lift and lighten. I know it may feel counterproductive, but stop talking about your problems with the person who seems to be at the root of them; you’re angry and need to express yourself! But let’s not kid ourselves: there is nothing new to be gained by arguing. Focus on making your Self and your own life happier. Focus on Radical Self-Love and watch every aspect of your life—including your relationship—improve!

Once your partner feels this subtle yet significant change, he’ll be open and willing to help more, show you more affection, and yes . . . have those long talks that you desire!

The reason for this is because when men are in the heat of battle, the last thing they want to do is talk. They are designed to protect and serve. It’s as though they’re down in the trenches and the bullets are flying and they’re trying to stay alive . . . and you want to talk. When things start lightening up and the pressure isn’t so tense, even a normally quiet man will feel relaxed enough to join your conversations.

I get that we women must talk about our troubles! Our bodies release a feel-good hormone called oxytocin when we chat and share our struggles. This hormone buffers the fight-or-flight response and counters stress while producing a calming effect. But it works in the reverse for men. Unlike women, men have only a fight-or-flight response to stress. Talking about their problems lowers their feel-good hormone, testosterone. It diminishes their happiness. It drains them. They want to flee . . . from us . . . fast!

If you’ve ever gone to marriage counseling, how many times have you left the therapist’s office only to find that you and your partner are in a bigger mess than when you arrived? Your man is miserable even though you felt better talking it out! But now you’re in an argument because he is stonewalling you.

Researchers at UCLA found the following:

Women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight, when the hormone oxytocin is release as part of the stress responses in a woman. This calming response does not occur in men because testosterone—which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen seems to enhance it. (i)

If you’ve ever seen guys get together for a beer after work, very rarely will you hear them talking about their relationship problems. They want to escape their worries. They want to feel better and focus on things that lift their spirits. They talk about sports, music, politics, investments, cars, renovations, the weather, even the hot girl at the office—anything other than their problems. Women call this “sweeping things under the carpet.” Men may disagree.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that we shouldn’t communicate our problems and needs with our partner because they don’t want to hear us complain! Not at all! But once we are clearer about how we are showing up in our relationship and what this is really all about, we can communicate with our partners in a much healthier way than most of us have been doing—without the blame, shame, or judgment.

I know in my marriage, my husband desperately struggled when I was unhappy and yet, he was unable to talk with me about my unhappiness. This fear of facing our problems together often created conditions for the perfect storm. I needed to express myself but he was afraid to give me the space I needed: What if talking turned into arguing? What if validating my emotions escalated them and I became depressed? In his mind, better to not “go there” at all.

I felt stonewalled. Ignored. Neglected. I would criticize him for his inability to communicate about anything except “good” things. He’d become defensive and shut down. It was a vicious cycle.

I finally understood that my husband “took on” my pain and became upset with himself when he couldn’t “fix” me. Sadly, it translated to me that I couldn’t ever show my unhappiness and that if I did, it meant I was “broken”.

Once I realized this was my story—that is, “I suffer in silence. No one really cares about my needs”—and that he was merely mirroring it back to me, I was able to stop focusing on him and get to work on myself! Remember: Our relationships are a reflection of our own beliefs.

Once my husband recognized that the deep sorrow I occasionally felt wasn’t really about him and his shortcomings, that I wasn’t holding him responsible for my lifetime of letdowns, and that I simply needed him to listen without fixing, rescuing, or even lecturing me, he was willing to give me what I needed: validation, love, and compassion. Our relationship began to blossom in a whole new way!

Truth be told, once I was willing to give myself what I needed—validation, love, and compassion—I was able to receive it from my husband. And most importantly, I stopped making him responsible for giving it to me.

This is an inside job, ladies!

When we can be honest with our partner about those indelible marks that have changed the trajectory of our lives, we can help them better understand our vulnerabilities and why we are showing up as a particular Emotional Archetype—too much Mother Energy or too much Daughter Energy.

We stop blaming and start healing. We stop arguing and start listening.

It is also interesting to note that women’s brains have evolved differently than men’s over time. We have thousands of connective tissues linking the right and left hemispheres of our brain, something that men don’t have. This means, in a sense, we can open up different drawers in our “mental” filing cabinet and access all of them, all at the same time. (ii)

I think most men will admit they become overwhelmed listening to a group of women chatting—hence the term henhouse. We women can carry on ten different conversations all at once and never lose track of what we are talking about.

Men, on the other hand, use one side of their brain or the other, but never both simultaneously. They aren’t wired to. Men need to focus on one thing at a time. Bombard a man with too much, and he’ll shut down and become defensive. He’ll stop talking. We call this stonewalling. We feel ignored and disrespected. Lonely. Unheard. Meanwhile, he feels flooded by our criticism and contempt.

According to marriage expert John Gottman, PhD, most marriages fail because of what he warns are “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: (iii)

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Here’s my advice: Talk to your girlfriends. Talk with your mother, your sister, your coach, therapist, pastor, priest, rabbi, or any other trusted person who can offer you compassionate and supportive listening and wise advice.

In fact, my international coaching school offers free mentorship empowerment coaching to any woman, living anywhere in the world: www.SWATinstitute.com (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer. There are no hidden catches or fees. We simply help you shift into a higher level of consciousness, which allows you to better communicate your needs and receive your partners in an assertive, accepting, and loving way. As you both start to feel better, you’ll be amazed at how easy it is to find resolution to your problems—together.

If you want to learn how to stay in your Woman Energy, click here! Crystal is leading a group of women through a 12-Week Emotional Edge Course that starts Wednesday, September 18th, 2019. Get your Emotional Edge now!

_________________

(i) Women have a larger behavioral repertoire: Melissa Kaplan, “UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women,” Chronic Neuroimmune Diseases (2014), http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/gender/tendfend.html.

(ii) It is also interesting to note: Mona Lisa Schulz, MD, PhD, The New Feminine Brain: How Women Can Develop Their Inner Strengths, Genius, and Intuition (New York: Free Press: 2005).

(iii) “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: John Gottman, PhD, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994).

********

Crystal Andrus Morissette, Founder Simply Woman Magazine

From life as a homeless teen to coaching A-List celebrities, from having abs of steel and the Miss Galaxy to weighing over 200 pounds after having babies, Emotional Age and Communication Expert Crystal Andrus Morissette is a worldwide leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation. A media darling, she has been featured numerous times on Oprah.com, the New York Post, Fox TV, the Daily Mail, CBS Radio, CTV, CityTV, Global TV, Slice TV, the Globe and Mail, and the Toronto Star. Crystal is the founder of the S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer), an empowerment coach certification exclusively for women that she created with fellow female visionaries Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Dr Christiane Northrup, Colette Baron-Reid, and Sandra Anne Taylor among others. Established in 2009, the S.W.A.T. Institute is now in over 30 countries.

Crystal is the author of five best-selling books, including her latest release entitled, “Simply…Woman: Stories from 30 magnificent women who have risen against the odds!” She is also certified in nutrition, sports medicine, and yoga.

Crystal’s message of resilience, strength, and inner power has allowed her to grace the stage with speakers such as Dr. Phil, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Naomi Judd, Suze Orman, Marianne Williamson, Louise Hay, Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Joan Borysenko, Debbie Ford, Sarah Ferguson—Duchess of York, and many more. Crystal has coached women from all walks of life including A-list celebrities, best-selling authors, scientists, doctors, dentists, and lawyers to stay-at-home moms and struggling teens. Her passion is to get down in the trenches and help people become the (s)heroes of their own lives.

www.crystalandrusmorissette.com | www.swatinstitute.com 

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