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Crystal Andrus: Am I A Bully or Simply…EMPOWERED?

By on November 18, 2013
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As many of us are becoming mindful of our level of empowerment, self-love, and ability to set healthy boundaries, we still find ourselves in situations where we feel frustrated that our needs aren’t being met or that others are treating us in inappropriate ways.

So what do we do?

We know that if we don’t speak our truth, we are abandoning our own feelings and needs, and yet if we do speak our truth, the conversation has the good chance of turning into a confrontation. (Few people respond to “putdowns” or accusations in an impartial, neutral, open manner.)

Nevertheless, we decide our self-love and self-respect are worth speaking up and saying what we feel needs to be said.

Words are spoken. Sometimes really aggressive and hurtful words are said. Damage is done.

We look back and wonder, “Did I go too far? Did I say too much? Did I wound him with my words? Was I a bully?”

The fine line between assertive, empowered communication with that of aggressive, controlling communication lays in the words we choose, the way we speak them, and the intention behind them.

Notice when we write “wordswordswords” over and over they turn into “swords swords”. The words we speak (or write) can be incredibly destructive—cutting. Some people have literally found themselves so emotionally ravaged by cruel communication they take their own lives rather then feel the “sword” again. This is called passive helplessness and bullying. It is real.

Words have so much power.

For the person who delivers the verbal punch, they may not even realize the damage they’ve done. For example, you may have a quick but short-lasting temper and once your own anger settles down, you can’t understand why they are having such a hard time forgetting it . . . or forgiving you.

“Come on! Let bygones be bygones.” You say. “Can’t you just get over it. You know I didn’t mean it. I was just angry at the time. Besides, you were in the wrong and I was just speaking my truth!”

Uh-uh. That doesn’t cut it!

Even if you have risen back up to your most empowered, kind, loving, caring place again, you simply cannot speak to people—even those who you feel have hurt you—in an aggressive, controlling way (even if you think it’s for their own good). You can’t lash out at people and expect to receive love, kindness, or respect in return. You will never bring out the best in anyone (yourself included) by attacking, shaming, blaming, or judging.

Although speaking your truth is crucial for living an empowered life there is the right way to do it . . . and a wrong way!

We can look at empowerment as a form of behavior and communication that is based on equality, autonomy, and authenticity. It is not about perfection. It is not about achievement but rather self-actualization. It’s not about winning; it’s about loving. It’s about how you deal with problems and personal boundaries. It acknowledges your self-worth and self-esteem, as well as that of the other person. It allows you to freely express what you are thinking and feeling in an open, direct and honest way, without hurting others or without allowing others to disrespect or ignore you (it also assumes that others can and will do the same). It’s a peaceful power that makes it possible to nurture relationships with the people around you because it honors everyone involved. It is not just about being able to stand up for yourself, but also about communicating warm, positive words and actions.

The goal of controlling aggressive communication is to get “your way”, often at someone else’s expense. To put it simply:

“I know better than you do.”

“It’s my way or the highway.”

“I win, you lose.”

This is a survival skill. Under the surface, anger is the most prevalent emotion, although you may have learned how to cover it with manipulative techniques—even sticky, sweet ways.

You may even try hard to exude the energy of a “winner”—never letting anyone see you as uncertain or vulnerable.

This is all learned.

Controllers have learned that by dominating the situation, making sure things go their way, they win—regardless of the damage they do to others in the process. This may be done overtly by intimidating, threatening, name-calling, or judging or more subtly by manipulating or coercing through passive-aggressive behaviors such as inauthentic flirtation, helplessness, baby talk, or even under the appearance of righteousness or morality—using guilt and shame: “I’m just trying to teach you!”

The important thing to notice is that it takes two to play this game. Someone wins. Someone loses. Someone is more aggressive, while the other becomes helpless or passive. The game goes on. And this is why so many disempowered people stay stuck in disempowered relationships; there is a constant volleying back and forth without ever transcending the battle. No one ever really wins.

The good news is that you can choose to step out of this disempowered way of operating in the world and instead, learn what true empowerment looks and feels like. 

Even a bully can rise above his or her past to learn to become open-minded, kind, and accepting!
It takes awareness, honesty, and mindfulness.

The primary difference in empowered communication is that both parties feel as though they have won. Or maybe better said, there is no competition or agenda. It is all about bringing every situation to its highest manifestation. Love, peace, acceptance, willingness, and impartiality are what matters most—to live and let live, and to surround yourself with equally empowered people who also want the best for themselves and others.

If you are in a situation with someone who is beginning to frustrate you, you must assess the situation (sometimes very quickly) and decide, “What is it that I want to feel? What are my intentions?”

Empowered people—both men and women—want to feel good. They want you to also feel good. They aren’t suppressing their needs or emotions, but they have learned to manage them. Instead of confrontation, they’ve mastered the art of communication. They know that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are they going to lose their level-headedness and try to make someone else be what they want them to be. They know they can’t control or change anyone else. Instead, they know themselves and what they need in order to remain authentic, dignified, joyous, and fair. They set healthy and fair boundaries. They aim for cooperation and collaboration. But they will surrender a relationship if it becomes unhealthy. They will “Let go and let God.”

When an empowered person interacts with another human being her intention is to make the situation a win-win for everyone, which involves compromising. This win-win approach is the key difference that distinguishes empowerment from both controlling and helplessness positions.

If the person you are dealing with tries to pull you into their “Unconscious Control Maneuver” (I wrote about this in my book Transcendent Beauty – Hay House Publishing), you must recognize the “game” that is about to begin and disengage. Instead you say something along these lines:

“When you treat me this way, it makes me feel unappreciated / uncomfortable (whatever your true feelings are). I need you to hear what I’m saying. If you can’t treat me with dignity and respect, I am not going to continue this relationship.”

Or

“When you speak to me this way, it makes me feel controlled / manipulated / putdown (whatever your true feelings are). If you can’t speak to me with dignity and respect, I am not going to be a part of this conversation. We can talk later when we’re both calmer.”

Be sure to say what you mean and mean what you say. You can’t add any drama to your feelings. Don’t add fuel to the fire. Stay calm, cool, and collected.

If things begin to escalate, walk away. Walk calmly. Walk gently. Walk anyway you need to. But walk away. In fact, RUN if you need to. Don’t give your power away by lowering yourself to a place you’ll look back on and feel like you were either a controlling bully or helpless child. Be the empowered woman you are meant to be!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this blog. I’ll be sure to respond.

Warmly,

Crystal

 

crystal closeupCrystal Andrus is a leader in the field of self-discovery and personal transformation. From a very tough beginning—one that could easily have spun her into darkness, Crystal has risen to become an international coaching sensation and the Founder of The S.W.A.T. Institute (Simply Woman Accredited Trainer)- the world’s #1 on-line Personal Empowerment Coaching Certification School for women. She’s three-time best-selling Hay House author, the host of “The Crystal Andrus Show” and “Empowerment Class” on CBS Radio, a widely-sought after motivational speaker and a world-renowned women’s advocate. www.crystalandrus.com

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